by Leona Bergstrom
Director, Re-Ignite

This past week Richard and I celebrated our 50th Wedding Anniversary – Golden, they call it! We marked this milestone well with dinners out, a trip to California, and ultimately, a garden party at our son’s home. Today, the last balloon filled with confetti popped, spreading its sparkly reminders all around the living room

Six years ago I wrote an article for Mature Living about second-half marriages and the secrets to their success. The couples who shared their stories have endured a great deal of hardship in these past years, including death and disabling disease. I am reprinting the article to continue honoring their wisdom and insights–and to remind us all that while life changes, enduring love does not.

 

Ingredients for a Great Second Half Marriage: Grace, Grit and Giggles

Every year when we go out for dinner to celebrate our wedding anniversary, my husband asks our waitperson the same question, “Do you know what happened on June 17, 1972?” If she or he is under the age of 30, the response is usually a disinterested, blank stare, followed by a shrug. Ask Boomers that question—they’ll lean back, and with closed eyes, rack their brains to recall what significant event may have made history that night.

By now, I have heard this corny inquiry repeated forty-four times. I brace myself for it, and I feel a little sorry for the server being questioned. Typically, I roll my eyes and then laugh out loud. We had nothing to do with the Watergate break-in, but we are tied to its date until death do us part.

Our country has been through a lot since the Nixon escapades; and so have we. Every year, when the trivia is pursued, I’m reminded of what it takes for marriage in the second half of life to survive and thrive. I can summarize it in three words: grace, grit and giggles.

Grace

We typically think of grace as God’s favor toward despicable us. We don’t deserve it, but we gratefully receive His lavish love and pardon. Grace in marriage means giving space, cutting some slack, allowing the other person to grow, and dispensing unlimited portions of forgiveness. Grace gives the other person a chance.

Joe and Anna* were both widowed several years before they met. Now at ages 71 and 66, they have been married for eight years. Daily they dispense grace into their relationship by encouraging each other to talk about their first spouse without feeling compared or inferior. “We’ve cried over each other’s losses,” they told me. “We understand each other’s pain.” For them, grace means allowing each other to honor their first marriages and families while at the same time celebrating a new life together. “We know God’s not done with us, and He’s given us to each other to serve him in new ways.” Without grace, they would become judgmental and resentful—limiting their happiness and suffocating their joy.

Without grace, marriage in the second half of life can become rigid, unyielding, frightfully cold, and stifling. Grace gives life.

Grit

For marriage in the second half of life to survive and thrive, it takes grit—pure and simple perseverance and stick-to-it-ive-ness. Linda and Mark*, have been married for 48 years and have experienced both the ups and downs of life. “You have to stick together,” they told me. “You must continually reconcile with each other and with God.” They describe themselves as “strong-willed”—two people with very different personalities, interests and considerable potential for conflict. After retiring, they began seeking ways serve God together. They wanted to be intentional in planning their lives for the next 20-25 years and also desired to leave a legacy of lifelong love and commitment. Their pastor invited them to become discussion leaders for a marriage class called Re-Engage. In preparing for the class, deep conversations opened between them. They learned more about each other’s dreams, hopes, fears and idiosyncrasies. They began confronting differences and celebrating agreements. They experienced a new level of intimacy. They chose to take risks, be vulnerable, and grow beyond their comfortable routine. In praying together, they felt God calling them to help and encourage others in their relationships. Today they lead couples classes in their church—and conduct annual marriage conferences in Nicaragua and the Philippines!

Couples in the second half of life may encounter ill health, caregiving, financial disaster, temptation, loss—any number of things that can erode relationships and stability. A thriving marriage in the second half of life takes resolve, determination, risk and considerable grit.

Giggles

Every anniversary my husband and I both giggle at his inside joke about our connection with Watergate. In fact, we laugh a great deal about many things. It seems to look on the lighter and brighter side of things makes our marriage stronger—and it certainly makes it more fun. Joe and Anna agree; she promised she would do something every day to make him laugh.

Carolyn and Tom* are getting married in a few weeks. They both have experienced much sadness, including the long nights of loneliness that accompanies the illness and death of a spouse. Now, in the second half of their lives, they’ve found someone to laugh with again. They throw crazy parties and wear goofy costumes; they look at life with joy. They giggle a lot.

Linda and Mark admittedly aren’t sure they giggle enough. “Honestly, we just aren’t funny people,” they bemoan. “But we surround ourselves with people who make us laugh. That works.”

In later years, marriage is put to the test every day. A joyful and close relationship needs abundant grace, tenacious grit and regular bouts of giggles. Add mature, seasoned and enduring love—and it sizzles!

*This article was originally published in Mature Living in 2016.
The names of the couples mentioned in the story have been changed to protect their identity and to honor their privacy. I am grateful to them for sharing their lives and insights and am sorry for the pain they have endured since publication.
May their words of wisdom live on!
— Leona